Halfway Over the Pacific

My folks invited us to spend a long weekend in Hawaii and it was the most restful, soul-filling time I've had in a long time. Garett and Wyatt ended up staying home (Perhaps this contributed to the restful part of the weekend?) and my Mom, Dad, brother and I spent four days reading, swimming, snorkeling and eating fresh fish. Over a leisurely meal, we got to hear the slightly more scandalous than we remember story of my parents falling in love. I got to miss my boys which is actually a very good feeling. Swimming in the warm ocean is up there with my favorite activities of all time. There is something so invigorating about the combination of clear saltwater, blazing sun and tropical fish. The last day my dad and I found an area with so many sea turtles that we were literally tripping over them.

My flight home was a little less idyllic. My original flight was scheduled for 2pm on Monday and after a few hours of delays it was cancelled due to mechanical difficulties. I didn't want to have to cancel both of my Tuesday classes so I spent an hour on the phone with a United representative working to get on an 11:45pm US Airways that night. I took a cab back to our rental house and spent another couple of hours in the hammock sipping a Mai Tai. Olifino, my favorite Kona cab driver, picked me up and brought me back to the airport. After checking in curbside and scoring an emergency exit, Economy-Plus seat, I was denied access at the gate because United didn't ticket my seat properly. By this point it was 11:30pm and it was eerily quiet at the airport because all of the desks were closed. I knocked on every door I could find and finally found someone to help me figure out the problem. I called Olifino and he brought me back to the rental and we arranged for him to pick me back up at 6am.

My 8am flight (interestingly the same plane that was cancelled the day before) left on time and I was relieved to finally be headed to the west coast. About two hours into the flight, the pilot calmly told us that "due to engine issues, the flight is turning around and heading back to Kona and that oil is leaking steadily from the engine and turning around is merely a precaution." I probably should have been at least a little bit afraid but all I could think was about the fact that it seemed like we were almost halfway to LA so why couldn't we just keep going. I think this reveals something about my personality. We landed in Kona awhile later, waited another three hours and then got on a plane that made it all the way across the Pacific.

My experience in the Kailua-Kona airport was intensified by the fact that my driver's license was expired and United accidentally re-ticketed me as Amy Strapp. Each trip through the security line resulted in large numbers of airport security workers checking me out and hesitatingly allowing me to proceed to the gates. In addition, I paid $160 to Olifino for four trips back and forth to the airport. The last exciting thing was the gate at the house not working and needing to climb over a 5 foot tall iron gate in a dress three times. Very graceful, I must say.

The trip was a gift and I'm thankful that we enjoy being together. I am especially appreciative that we can still laugh so hard my cheeks get sore and that we are learning how to cry and be honest when we're feeling sad. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Sheep and Swine

Last week Wyatt's class took a trip to Cal Poly to check out the sheep and swine units. We've never been before and he loved it. We got to pet a lamb born two hours before we got there and hear a baby pig squeal very loud. We also got to bring home a little wool.

Hyena

As we've reflected on Wyatt's birthday party, he has informed me that he wants a hyena party next year. Seriously, a hyena party. He wants me to call the baker (my mom's friend, Shelley) to make sure she can make a hyena cake. I'm not sure he could pick a more violent creature. My wild boy and his love of wild animals... I want to celebrate his wild spirit just not at the supermarket or when we're crossing a busy street.

Wyatt's Wild Wolf Party

Wyatt turned three on Saturday and since December he's been asking for a wolf party. We obliged even though we weren't really sure what that meant. It's always a treat to have friends and family under the same roof and even my Grandpa (known as Bumpa to Wyatt) joined us.

This is my mom and dad sporting very cool wolf t-shirts.

My dad pulling around Wyatt on the cake box.

Here is the pitch perfect wolf cake. Thank you, Mom! After singing Happy Birthday, we all let out a celebratory howl.

Garett created this wolf den and we hope to enjoy it for years to come.

Notice the wolf mask that our friends Uma and Marissa shared with us for decoration. So special.

This is a cape made by an especially creative and talented friend Molly. Wyatt already believes he's a super hero and this cape only strengthens his resolve. It's reversible, lined with Superman fabric and closes with two snaps to prevent an itchy neck. What a perfect gift for my wild three year old boy.

My sister-in-law came for the party and we welcomed Coco, her new white German Shepherd puppy, into the family. She fit right in.

Wyatt is a boy with gusto and he brings enthusiasm to nearly all situations. Passion for garbage trucks, finding a jackpot of earthworms and wanting to play and win the "spot and name construction equipment" car game, the things he loves, he loves. It's a joy to see him discover, imagine and create and I'm looking forward to seeing what three brings. For the record, I'm still happy to see him age and continue to be thankful that we've made it this far. 15 years to go?

Fight!

I want to do a few blogs about a very meaningful long weekend with my folks and brother in Hawaii and a return flight that turned around halfway over the Pacific due to "engine issues" but until I do, here's a conversation that took place at our dinner table tonight.

Me: How was school today?

Wyatt: Today, Xander and me were walking and Derrick was behind us and then I said fight.

Me: Let's thank God for our food. "Dear God, Thank you for our food. Please bring us your peace. Amen." (As a violence-averse mother, I could not bring myself to ask a follow-up question.)

Garett: So, tell me about about that Wyatt.

Wyatt: Today, Xander and me were walking and Derrick was behind us and then I said fight!

Garett: Wyatt, what do you mean by fight?

Wyatt: Like when someone comes to my birthday party.

Me: Do you mean invite?

Wyatt: Yes, Mommy, invite, like when Derrick comes to my party.

Fruit Trees and Identity

We've been busy planting fruit trees. In the front we've got a Caty apricot, a Black Mission fig, a Meyer lemon and a Cara Cara navel orange (my favorite because of his low acidity). In the back we planted a Dancy tangerine, Satsuma mandarin and a Nagami kumquat. It's a joy to see Wyatt work with his hands alongside Garett.

In addition to looking forward to fruit in our future, Wyatt is growing in his independence and we are discovering new ways to be his parents. I find myself worrying about it more than I was before and I get really discouraged when I see him being rough and unkind with other kids. It's a challenge to know how to set firm boundaries and also remain gentle and patient. For me, harsh often accompanies firm even though I wish it didn't. I'm feeling at the end of myself in this area and it's a good (though often unpleasant) place to be in terms of dependence on our faithful God.

I'm resisting the urge to read a million parenting books and wanting instead to look for opportunities to develop a balance of grace and truth in my love for Wyatt. It's so easy to want "the answer" (as if there is one answer to fit all parent/child relationships) but I think God is interested in what is happening in my heart and Wyatt's heart as we face these explorations of boundary and choice. I surely don't want to raise a boy who thinks the world revolves around him but I also don't want to raise a robot who responds to my commands out of fear. Thankfully these are not the only two options. My hope is that God's grace allows Wyatt to become a boy who responds appropriately to authority and demonstrates love and respect for others and the world around him.

It's so easy to be smug and proud when Wyatt's is obedient and charming, inside believing that I am responsible for his positive traits. I am also ashamed when he's not so charming and I quickly allow my mind and heart to travel down the path of believing that it's all my fault and somehow is a reflection of me. For example, this week when we were checking out of the library, Wyatt found a large map, unfolded it and ran around the main floor shaking it over his head wildly. I asked him to stop and he decided to continue on his merry way. We've been reprimanded at the library multiple times before and I could see another one coming. I was embarrassed and frustrated as I chased him down, picked him up, informed him of his consequence and then tried to pay my $32.47 late fee while holding my screaming, flailing child. These are the moments where what I actually believe about God and who I am in him are revealed. Am I defined by my parenting abilities or lack thereof? Or is it something or someone else altogether that defines my true identity? And I thought the baby stage was exhausting...

On the Bluff

We spent a few nights in Big Sur at the Kirk Creek campground last weekend with friends Kim and Jason from Alameda and it was a lovely time. The weather cooperated perfectly being t-shirt and shorts weather by about 9am. Our camp site was nestled out on a bluff so we could sit at our picnic table and check out the glassy ocean.

My favorite thing was when we drove a few miles south but north of Sand Dollar beach and parked just off Highway 1. There are these little stairways between barbed wire fences that called out to us to explore beyond. We walked over one of them and hiked around looking for a private beach cove with a corresponding way to get down to it. All we could find were steep cliffs and it was looking bleak when the boys found a narrow, rocky, somewhat steep path down to a completely private cove with a sandy beach. We made it down just fine and the boys fished in the surf for perch. They caught the biggest perch I've ever seen and Wyatt got to reel a few in. Kim and I got to hang out and chase around Wyatt in a attempt to not let him get swept away by the tide. The sky lit up as we made our way back to the car. I'm writing this much detail because sadly I didn't bring a camera with me on this adventure. The experience is memorialized in my mind and spirit and I can't wait to find another spot like this the next time we head north.

When we get back from a camping trip, I find myself immediately getting online to make another reservation. I'm thankful that Garett is teaching me the art of the camp and look forward to our next trip.

Battling

This morning over breakfast, Wyatt and I got in a conversation about the car accident I got in over a year ago. He asks me about it often because he likes to hear the details. Today, however, his questions took a twist.

"Mommy, where is that car that hit you?"

I answered and he proceeded to tell me about how he wants to battle the car. He wants to find the car and use his gigantic excavator and turn on the levers and dig a humongous hole and dump the car into it so it will be eaten by gophers and broken forever.

"Why do you need to battle the car, Wyatt?"

"I need to protect you, Mommy. I will save you."

While I do not consider myself to be a woman who requires extra protection, this warmed my heart.

Camping on the Boat

We spent last night at Lopez Lake and all three of us slept in the tiny cuddy cabin on our boat. We are those crazy parents who have never had their child in their bed to sleep so it was a first. Lopez has a spot at the back end of the lake that is only accessible by boat or hike. We were picturing a dock and a flat area with a fire pit and picnic table. Instead it was a dock with a steep hill behind it with a one-person path cutting across the hill upward about 100 yards to a hidden campsite. Arriving as the sun set, we hurried to reach the dock and used our flashlights to explore our way to the site. Ruby was our protector even though she probably gets the most spooked between the four of us.

Because we hadn't really packed for a climb to the site, we hunkered down at the boat dock and got cozy for the night. We were planning to sleep in the boat but Garett and I were envisioning kicking back by the fire while Wyatt fell asleep in the cuddy. No such luck.

It was peaceful in its own way with the frogs croaking and the cormorants squawking back and forth. We made s'mores by the one-burner stove (Why in the world did I give Wyatt so much sugar before bed?) and curled up together at about 7:30.

Poor Garett was stuck in the middle because it was the only spot where his feet could hang out of the cabin. I was surprised that Wyatt slept as much as he did but it was still overall a rough night. Watching the stars fade away and the sun come up made it more worthwhile and we were home by 9 this morning.

My soul is at rest when I'm on the water. There is no feeling like the breeze in my hair, the sun or moon reflecting on the water and a freedom that bears down to the depths of my being. I'm thankful that Garett is up for all the work required to make it happen. Thanks, God, for a much needed adventure.

I need you to learn

Wyatt has starting shouting a lot more than he used to. Sometimes it's because there is a strong desire for something in particular and other times it's because he wants to make sure I hear him. I think sometimes it's just sheer enthusiasm for the topic of conversation. Yesterday we were driving home and he began shouting, "Mommy, three yellow forklifts!" over and over and over. I acknowledged him the first time and second and third and so on. Finally he stopped and I asked him why he was shouting at me. "I need you to learn," he emphatically told me. It's hard to not draw a comparison to my strong desire to make a point. I may not yell but that same desire exists at times. I'm noticing the pride in my heart more and more these days.

It's been a tough week for my family. We received difficult news from my mom's doctor and, while it's not an official diagnosis, it does not look good. We are all soaking it in differently and I am feeling perpetually sad. I've left a few sobbing messages for friends because I really can't keep it together. When I think of Wyatt and his precious relationship with his "Gwumma" my heart aches. We are asking to experience God's healing presence every moment of every day. Thanks for praying with us.

Dependence and Interdependence

I spent another couple of days in San Diego earlier this week meeting with Sheryl for spiritual direction. My head and heart are still spinning as I try to make sense of our time together. I began this journey with the intention of learning how to grieve losses in life but it turns out there are many factors, spiritual and emotional, that inhibit my willingness and ability to grieve. To peel back those layers takes time, energy, honesty and a big dose of courage. I lack those often but Sheryl helps create gracious space where God gives me just what I need to face up to realities in my heart and mind.

Underneath my deep commitment to keeping a smile on my face is a raging river of independence otherwise known as pride. River of independence sounds much more attractive but there is nothing lovely about about a spirit of highness, thinking I know what is and isn't and perhaps even thinking I can do God's job. Whatever you call it, it's the part of me that actually believes that I can do it on my own. "It" changes depending on the day but it's the extreme opposite of dependence and interdependence the two ways God calls me to be in this world in relation to him and others.

I'm thinking about dependence and interdependence in a new way this week. Matthew 26 offers an interesting look at Jesus' dependence on the Father and interdependence with Peter and company. Jesus shared his sorrow with Peter and prayed three times to God also sharing his sorrow and making a request. Jesus' example speaks to me, as I tend to retreat spiritually and relationally when life is difficult. I keep waiting to be on the other side of all this but perhaps that's not the goal.

Jesus, Santa and Many, Many Presents

It's interesting to describe Christmas to a two year old. We tried to keep it real and say that we're celebrating Jesus' birthday but it's kind of confusing because Wyatt's not used to getting presents on someone else's birthday. I'm struck by the generosity of our families and I'm pretty sure he will not need a thing for at least a year.

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with my family in Turlock and then spent a week in San Francisco with my folks and brother. It's always difficult for me to leave the city. When parents of young children talk about how crazy it would be to live in the city, I always feel like I'm the only one in the room thinking about how great it would be. When we're in San Francisco, Wyatt soaks in the sights, smells, sounds and tastes. I can see his world expand and that brings joy to my heart.

You know how I like bullet points so here are the highlights:

- Bay Area Discovery Center (This is the coolest spot for toddlers.)

- Pagolac (My favorite Vietnamese restaurant.)

- Long walks

- SF Zoo

- Ferry to Sausalito

- Heath Ceramics (Thankfully, my mom registered for these beautiful ceramic creations for her wedding 35 years ago and (if she doesn't figure out how to sell it on ebay) I may get to use them someday.)

- Watching Somewhere (I loved it and Garett didn't.)

- Wyatt's 3.5 hours naps

- City Church with Josh

- Delfina Pizzaria

- Chinatown and dim sum costing $4.50 for two

- Champagne and homemade pomegranate liqueur

- Seeing good friends and their work in Oakland

- Playing Angry Birds

Bossypants

Wyatt is now in the bossy stage. He shares his opinions on anything and everything and loves to tell us what to do. For example, today he told us to go fast through all stop signs and red lights on our way to the market. Over the holiday, my mom brilliantly reframed this frustrating stage as "leadership in the rough". I'm going to hang on to that and look forward to a less rough state for my boy.

Cuesta Preschool

Wyatt's teacher, Cindy, takes a lot of pictures of the kids throughout the day. She gave them to me this week and I was delighted to get a peek into all the fun he's been having.

These shots don't even include the day an enormous snake was brought into his classroom or the time he held a tiny white mouse. They also don't include field trips to various departments around campus like biology, physical education and theatre. They also don't capture the way he looks forward to going to school and said, "I love you, Cindy," to his teacher when he went to the bathroom on the potty for the first time at school.

I can't really put into words how thankful we are for his preschool experience this year. His teachers are consistently outstanding and they seem to find ways to make it easier to be a parent of a toddler. I had no idea that was even possible. Next semester I'll be teaching three classes and Wyatt will be graduating to three mornings a week. We can't wait!