Anger and San Diego

I wrote this a few weeks back but forgot to post it. Here it goes again...

I'm beginning a journey with a Spiritual Director and she lives and practices in San Diego. Instead of going by myself, we decided to attempt to make a fun family weekend of it. We drove down Friday night and spent a dreadful night in a hotel room with Wyatt. On more than one occasion Garett and I found ourselves huddling together in the pitch dark bathroom as we tried to trick Wyatt into staying in bed. He discovered the ability to hurl himself out of his travel bed and only (thankfully) stopped after a minor injury. (I'm feeling bad about not putting the "thankfully" after minor.)

After a rough night, Saturday was a breeze. We spent the morning at a boating and fishing show in Del Mar. Garett was in heaven and Wyatt liked the jumping dogs and large fish tanks. After a two hour nap, we swam in the hotel pool and Wyatt pretended to jump into the pool like the dogs we'd seen earlier. We found a small brewery called Pizza Port in Solano Beach and enjoyed some tasty brews.

All in all, it wasn't that thrilling of a day but it did such good for my soul to have a bit of adventure. I'm the sort of person who likes to wake up in the morning and then decide what sounds good. I crave spontaneity and am energized by the unknown in most every situation. The simple act of being in a new town without a plan gave me a taste of a "the-world-is-my-oyster" feeling and I love that feeling. I tend to move toward risk and get bored with repetition.

Sometimes I think I fear boredom in less than healthy ways. I can tell by the fact that I mix up my shower routine almost daily just to make sure I'm not in a rut. Admitting that makes me feel a little crazy.

I spent Sunday morning at my appointment and Garett took Wyatt the San Diego Zoo. My heart was full and that allowed me to enter into the spiritual direction process from a better place. I'm learning new spiritual practices (for me, these are becoming refreshing opportunities to connect with God other than my standard reading the Bible, praying for things, and worshiping at church on Sunday morning) and how to grieve.

I've written about this before but it is worth repeating. I struggle with facing up to reality, especially in terms of painful things that are very different than what I was hoping for in life. In my commitment to be a person who deals with things well and is not a burden/downer, I have not even been honest with God about how angry I am. And I am angry. So, I'm learning the simple act of being honest with God and myself. After a particularly intense time of basically shouting to God all of my feelings (mostly anger and sadness) surrounding my health, I realized just how much of this I've been carrying, probably since about age 15. That's too long. And what's really sad is that I have not believed that God is the kind of God who wants to hear from me about this and meet me in the pain. Getting to know God in new ways is bringing light and life to my heart in addition to renewed hope in the goodness of God.