A Revealing Moment

Today we had breakfast/lunch at Big Sky. It's currently my favorite restaurant so it was a nice treat. They are consistently great with kids and that makes it a whole lot easier to enjoy a meal out. Midway through our meal, a woman a few tables away pulled her son away from the table and marched him over next to ours to talk with him "privately". She was very close to us so there was no way to avoid eavesdropping. As she finished, my heart swelled with emotion and my eyes filled with tears. Garett and I were then able to have a good talk as we continue on this new, rocky road of becoming parents.
What she said to her four year old son is inconsequential but I will say that the words, "You are really embarrassing me," were part of it, as well as an intense tone that sounded mean from my vantage point. The words, tone and look on the little boy's face rushed over me like a gust of wind on a blustery day - a gust of wind holding up a full-length mirror into which I could hear, see and feel myself. I hope I'm not a mom who looks down my nose at other parents. Rather, I can deeply relate and appreciate the perspective sometimes found when I'm on the outside rather than in the heat of my own parenting moment.
Garett and I talked about how we hope to be parents with Wyatt. We can both feel ourselves getting impatient when he does something (i.e. lick up mouthfuls of sand from the outdoor sand table) for the umpteenth time and we're trying to figure out how to send the right message to him about what is and isn't good for him. We're struggling at finding a consequence that fits the behavior and helps him learn something from his choices. We both agree that making him fearful and obedient out of fear is easy (or easier) and effective in the short run but not really the point in the big picture. But it's a challenge to not use fear as a manipulation tactic to generate behavior that is less embarrassing and more controlled. This is especially tempting with my sensitive boy.
I'm not saying that good behavior doesn't matter, we just hope it's not our main goal. Nurturing Wyatt's heart and loving him in a way that helps him develop his character and, hopefully and eventually, learn to love God and people is the main goal. It's easy for me to get off track with this and allow my own shortcomings of pleasing people or finding significance through achievement dominate my parenting style.
Garett and I recommitted ourselves to be a team as we approach this nurturing process. We have different styles and Wyatt needs them both. We also agreed to continue seeking out ways to demonstrate and generate love not fear (Wyatt's or our own). Part of that entails honestly dealing with areas of our lives where anger is brewing. Another part is noticing when fear is leading us to a certain path and that love might lead us to a different one. It's messy and definitely not a cut and dried formula to guarantee a perfect kid (Is there one of those?) but we are trusting that God is going to give us what we need in each and every moment and that I John 4:18 is true.