New Look

I found a new look for the blog. The green was slowly killing my enthusiasm for life in spite of the fact that it's my favorite color.

Seriously?

It's tax season and I spent a little time with our accountant last Friday. After the meeting, I decided to add up all of our medical expenses for the year. My jaw dropped as it totaled over $11,000. That includes monthly premiums but, really? We could have bought a car. Or shared more. Or taken a few trips to visit Garett's family in Italy. Or saved for Wyatt's college education.
It's so disappointing to face up to the reality of our health issues. Most days I like to pretend that we're fine, it's fine and it's not a big deal. But, when my calculator tell me that we spent over $11,000 on insurance, doctors and medicine, I'm reminded of the significance that health challenges play in our daily existence.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of the impact of Behcet's on my body. It's usually in the first few moments of the day when I hear Wyatt saying, "Come, Mommy," from his bed and I'm wondering how long I can lay still before I need to get him. I also am reminded when my knees and elbows ache for no apparent reason and I have canker sores down my throat. Sometimes I just can't make it through the day and I call a friend to come over to be with Wyatt while I sleep, hoping to muster up enough energy to make it until Garett gets home.
I'm in the process of learning how to deal with life in new ways. It may be a life long journey. And, although I've walked this path for nearly 17 years, I'm struggling to get the hang of it. I love that God provides us with a community to walk alongside us and I am positive that I could not do it alone. I am also exceedingly grateful for the medical care that we do receive. There's a lot said about healthcare right now but I, for one, am appreciative of the excellent network of healthcare professionals who positively impact our quality of life. I only wish it cost a bit less. And that the pharmacist didn't know Wyatt and me by name.

Elephant Seals

My folks took Wyatt to see the elephant seals when he spent a week with them in December and hardly a day goes by that he doesn't bring them up. We checked them out a few weeks ago.
.

The Zoo and a Backbone

Wyatt and I visited the Charles Paddock Zoo this morning and enjoyed a sunny day observing interesting animals. I've been getting to know Wyatt in some new ways lately. I don't know if it's him becoming more of himself or if it's me paying more attention, but either way, it's made it a lot of fun to be with him.
This was our first trip to the zoo without a stroller. We held hands walking through the front gate and made our way to the large cage housing a tiger. He held my hand tightly and walked forward gingerly. He paused, observed for quite awhile, and then wanted to walk to another area. As we got closer to the loud birds, he squeezed my hand, and walked very close to my thigh, trying to hide his head behind my leg. When we finally got up close to the birds, he watched, mouth agape, and stood still.
Wyatt is a cautious boy who soaks in the world around him before diving in to participate in it. My natural tendency is to jump in head first and, on a good day, ask questions later. This has it's perks but also some downsides that show up in the form of lack of follow through and impatience. I have a lot to learn from him and the time he takes to observe and learn.
In other news, Wyatt is recovering from a bad case of RSV and a double ear infection. He ran a 102-103 fever for seven days and had little to no appetite the entire time. Yesterday he leaned over on the couch to reach for a book and I saw the outline of his little backbone peeking out from below his shirt. I don't think we've seen his backbone since he was about four months old and on the skinny side. If only I could contract an appetite-inhibiting illness...

Daydreaming

Stapps 2010

Garett and I made a list of things that are important to both of us as we enter a new decade.

- Less TV

- More bike riding and exercise

- Serve people more

- Read through the Bible together

- More socializing for Wyatt

- Get more involved at FPC

- Design and implement yard

- In relationships - Know and be known; Love well

- Go camping

May 2010 be a year full of hope, gratitude, and possibility.

Sixteen Favorite Things from Baja

1. Outdoor shower next to spectacular cactus. 2. Enjoying the perfectly empty beach.3. Reading many books and magazines (from Sue Monk Kidd's When the Heart Waits to US Weekly).4. A modern home nestled into the desert landscape.5. The local taco stand open only Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday nights with amazing shrimp and fish tacos. Perfect with a Pacifico.
6. Garett's green salsa with delicious tomatillos and new kinds of peppers.
7. Ceviche made with fish caught by Garett from his kayak the day before.8. Sitting perched over the Sea of Cortez on the patio at Hotel Punta Pescadero (two miles south of the house we rented).9. Very kind people, even a couple who gave us their number and email address and offered to watch Wyatt (when we bring him next time) for an evening.
10. Swimming in the ocean, feeling the swell of the waves and the lingering salt on my lips.
11. Long talks with my love. Dreaming together and being reminded of why we married each other. Jotting down some family values for 2010 - kind of like goals only a bit more flexible.12. Seeing the most crazy spider ever (wish I had a picture).
13. Intensely missing Wyatt for the first time - a good feeling.
14. Watching Season Two of the TV show 24. Jack Bauer is my new TV hero.
15. Unusually good eggs and avocados. Probably the best ever.
16. Knowing Wyatt was loved and cared for by his grandparents in our absence.

Christmas: Take One

We spent last weekend in Turlock celebrating Christmas with the Jeter and Moline side of the family. Wyatt's grandparents gave him a cool and very appreciated battery operated motorcycle and a motorcycle shirt to go with it.My mom got matching Hanna Anderson pajamas for all of the cousins (2.5 and under) and this is the only picture that doesn't have at least one child completely blurry.Wyatt approaches the opening of presents with focus.This is my grandpa that Wyatt calls Bumpa.Josh was home for the holiday and Wyatt is showing off the booty he found in the playhouse.Finally, we got a Christmas card yesterday from the Lambs. Wyatt adores Abbey Lamb. He got his hands on the picture and I found him laying on the couch adoringly staring at her photo saying, "Hi, Abbey" over and over and over. Pretty cute.

Christmas Tree Virgins No More

Please don't give me the sad eyes when you discover that Garett and I got our very first Christmas tree this year. It's okay, we're okay, we just haven't really wanted to get one before now. Wyatt asked me about Christmas trees a few weeks ago and we decided that it was time to find a tree. It's a simple little tree with only a few ornaments but it's ours and we're enjoying it. Wyatt appears to be skeptical of the whole thing and has a tree sprouting from his head.
He did love getting to put an angel on the top of the tree, and, even more exciting, shaking the tree and pushing the coffee table into the tree to try to knock the angel down.
Another first was watching the San Luis Obispo Christmas Parade. I've never been a huge parade fan but seeing it through Wyatt's eyes was a new experience. The goats, belly dancers and fire trucks were the highlights and I now have a bit of understanding of the lure of a parade.
We also had a holiday dinner with a few friends and Garett and I enjoyed doing some Italian cooking. I was thinking of our family in Italy while I prepared the food and was wishing we could be gracious hosts in the same way that they were to us. Jenni & Rebekah - I know how you guys like your meat sweet so I'm including this menu especially for you. It's all from Giada's Everyday Italian.

- Spinach Pesto with Parpadelle Pasta
- Peas with Prosciutto
- Roasted Pork Loin with Fig Sauce
- Basic Green Salad
- Panna Cotta with blackberries and blueberries

If you want any recipes, let me know and I'm happy to share. I think the fig sauce was the best treat because it just tasted like Christmas.

Giving Thanks

Garett and I hosted Thanksgiving at our home this year. We had a nice size group including my parents, Garett's dad, my grandpa, a dear family friend who is like a sibling and a family who recently moved here from Tien Jin, China. I've never roasted a turkey before so I decided to try a recipe from my friend Jenni who has never steered me wrong. Again, she came through. The turkey was a hit and we finally finished it last night.In addition to the delicious turkey, we served Pomegranate Fizzies. I found this recipe at the last minute in the latest Sunset. It's easy and feels especially seasonal.

Wyatt decided that he liked smashed potatoes best. I think it might have something to do with the fact that he loves the garbage truck and the garbage truck smashes the garbage. I'm not sure if he ate more than he smashed in his hands but I was a little too preoccupied to remind him about the "we don't play with food" guideline.Garett's dad spent a few days with us and Wyatt could not have enjoyed it more. He's started making a silly, scrunched up face when I pull out the camera.Finally, I love him in this sweatshirt and his Hannah Anderson hat. He looks like an old-timer football player and has the girth of a linebacker. He hates wearing hats but I can tie this one under his neck and it makes it pretty tricky for him to get off.
In spite of a car accident the week before and a double ear infection for Wyatt on Tuesday, we had a remarkably wonderful holiday. Simply being with our family and friends was a reminder of what actually matters and I am grateful to God for the way he reveals himself through relationships.

Always a Smile?

While in the ER yesterday afternoon, I saw the same doctor that we'd met a few weeks prior when we brought Wyatt in for Croup. I reminded him that we'd met and he said that he remembered me as the mom who was constantly smiling.

I had awhile to sit by myself in a quiet place (it's sad that the ER is my quiet place) and I thought a lot about what he said. Why in the world would I have been smiling while I was bringing in my son in the middle of the night for a scary bout of swelling of his vocal chords and windpipe that made it difficult for him to breathe?

I'm deeply committed to being a person who faces adversity with a smile. The problem is, this smile doesn't always come from a real place in my heart. Sometimes it forms out of habit or due to my fear of actually feeling sad or disappointed about something. I confuse a smile with truly expressing joy and gratitude, the kind that comes from experiencing sadness, followed up by the sweet relief of the presence of God.

My new commitment is to learn to allow my face to actually reflect my heart. Yes, it may not always be pretty, but it will be true and that, I believe, is what God is asking of me today.

Whiplash and Neckrubs

I was in a minor car accident yesterday that ended up being not so minor. On my way to work I was the third car in a rear-end "pile up". Unfortunately, the two cars behind me were large SUVs (think Expedition or Navigator) and moving quickly, and my little Acura did not hold up. The trunk area crumpled up like a gauzy skirt and it appears that my car is totaled.

Here's the good news. Wyatt wasn't with me. Garett left work quickly to meet me and I was only 15 minutes late to teach my class. And I walked away with only a bad case of whiplash.

Yesterday afternoon I put on movies for Wyatt and tried to rest on the couch. He kept coming over to me saying, "Come Mommy, please," which is really difficult for me to resist. I finally explained to him what happened and that my neck was sore. Without skipping a beat, he climbed up on the couch next to me and began rubbing my neck saying, "Oooohhhh...," with his sad eyes and tone. My sweet boy, I swear he gets his kindness-gene from his father.

I'm disappointed and a little overwhelmed at the prospect of finding another car, as we were hoping that I'd be driving this car for at least another five years. But, alas, we're on the hunt for a new ride. Well, not new, more like used, but new to us. If you have any ideas or suggestions, we'd love to hear from you. Where's the best place to look for cars these days?

"Jewelry"

It all started a couple of weeks ago when Garett made me a jewelry stand for my birthday. I immediately took out my mess of a jewelry box and used the dining room table to organize all of my earrings, necklaces and bracelets on the metal stand. Wyatt observed the entire process and a fascination with jewelry began.
I had a couple of items including an old plastic necklace and a few headbands that ended up in the trash pile. This pile became Wyatt's and soon he was dressing Ruby in the necklaces and wearing the headbands around his neck. "Jewelry" seems to be in his top ten favorite words following closely behind "garbage", "dump", "smash", and "Maga" for Grandma.
This afternoon he named his stuffed puppy dog Jewelry. I still can't call the puppy by name without laughing out loud but he's pleased with his choice of name and who am I to disagree?

Light and Dark

Sometimes I don't feel capable of feeling the high of light and the depth of dark at the exact same moment. Instead, I tend to feel nothing, hoping to escape the dark unscathed and not truly experiencing the joy of the light. Why? I don't know exactly. But what I do know is that the this tendency has built up a callousness around my heart making it difficult to love and know love in meaningful ways. This translates into my relationship with God, others and, even, myself, I think. It might sound a little psychobabble-ish but it's true.

While I want to appear as if I'm okay with the variety of my experiences being a mom, really, I'm not. I judge the way that my experience of being a mom does not seem like a blessing. I am ashamed when I'm with groups of other moms and I can't find one positive thing to say about being Wyatt's mom. I get angry with God, thinking, "Why did He allow me to become a mom, knowing that I would not delight in any of it?" I feel bad about these thoughts crossing my mind, as I had so hoped to be a mom and can distinctly remember pleading with God to have a child.

As I type, the "I's" are springing from the page. I, I, I...is it all about me? Apparently. Perhaps being a mom and staying self-focused is not a good fit?

In addition to my deep commitment to all things me, it has also become a pattern to not grieve losses. What difference does this make? It, again, hardens my heart (as my commitment to not feel the pain of loss increases) and distances me from my Father who wants to meet me in the grief and remind me of who He is and how He has redeemed all things for His purposes to restore my hope and faith in His goodness and glory. Without depth in this primary relationship, I no longer know how to trust in the goodness of God during inevitable pain and loss. Cynicism and sadness grow exponentially.

God is helping me to face up to these realities and is revealing Himself. I wish I could kick this selfishness but it lingers daily. My pride leads me to believe I'm a judge, thinking I know what's up and defining what is and is not acceptable to feel.

Part of the process is learning how to grieve in a meaningful, God-honoring way. I don't even know where to begin (though I've been given some great suggestions) but am trusting that God will continue to be a God of comfort, acceptance, transformation and love, and will empower me with courage to continue facing up to life as it is. A good friend recently shared Isaiah 43:18-19 with me and it rings especially true today.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! (I did not add this exclamation point for emphasis, it's actually there.) Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Here's to a new thing. (I can't add my own exclamation point yet.)

A Mother/Father's Love and a Pumpkin Patch

Yes, that reads 33lbs. Thanks, Holly, for the great shot.
See above for example of small tantrum. I did force a photo shoot. How could I?

Yesterday I had the most meaningful experience to date as a parent. I'm not sure if I'll be able to capture it in words but I'd like to try.

It was time for Wyatt's nap and there was a crowd of people at my parent's house where we spent the weekend. I scooped him up and said my usual, "It's time for rest," and he went nuts. I think it was our first full blown fit/tantrum/I-don't-even-know-what-to-call-it. (To be clear, we have smaller ones all the time but something was different about this on.) As I carried him in my arms back to the bedroom, he flailed his arms and arched his back while screaming, "No, no, no, no, no..." and crying hysterically. We got to the bedroom and I closed the door behind us. (The best part of my parent's house is the unusually high placement of all doorknobs.)

The screaming picked up at this point, as he realized that the rest was, indeed, going to happen. I didn't know what to do (Garett's the patient parent) and quickly debated between two options. 1. I can lay him down in his bed quickly and let him cry it out. I figured he was crying anyway and a little extra crying wouldn't hurt. 2. I was second-guessing the speed with which we went from playing to resting and thought, maybe, I could just take him out to say goodbye and ease into the rest a little more gently.

Neither option seemed good so I decided to try something new. I figured it couldn't hurt and asked God to give me a little boost of energy to hang in there with my writhing-on-the-floor boy. By this time he was hitting his head against the door, still screaming. I found a book in the closet with Bible stories in rhyme and began to read it quietly. From time to time, I would get up from my chair and go over to him and say something like, "Wyatt, I love you so much. I am sad to see you so sad. It is time for a rest." This continued for maybe 10 minutes.

As I read and spoke gently to him, he began to turn his body toward me. After the turn, he would take one step and then stop. He slowly moved toward me sitting in the chair reading while he continued gurgling through his tears. Finally, he got to me and asked me to lift him up. He was still crying but beginning to melt a bit. At last, he nestled his head into my chest, held his blanket close and listened to the book. We read for quite some time, as I soaked in what had just happened, and hoped the tears would subside.

Watching Wyatt's process reminds me of how I desire to be in relationship with God. Not the tantrum part (although, sometimes it is my reality) but the moving toward our loving, long-suffering Father, still hurting, perhaps, and unsure of how things will turn out but moving toward nonetheless. I picture God loving me with his perfect mix of grace and truth, delighting in me as I am and transforming me into who he wants me to be. The transforming nature of the gospel compels and inspires new ways of being and responding to pain. In that moment, I got a tiny glimpse of the transforming power of love and I think God allowed this experience for that reminder.