Beyond Embarrassing

The other night, Garett and I tuned in to the end of The Bachelorette. I was a rubbernecker and could not take my eyes off the train wreck that was Jake and Vienna's breakup. Admittedly, I did not watch any of their television season but I have seen other Bachelor seasons so I know how the show works.

I feel like a small disclaimer is required. Two things: First, I am in a pretty reflective state right now (yes, even more than usual) so I'm not entirely surprised that I had a break through moment while watching The Bachelorette. I'm partially blaming this awakening to an email I received last week from iVillage with the subject "Eye Rolling is a Predictor of Divorce". Second, it's really embarrassing to draw any comparisons from their relationship to mine, but I am getting over the embarrassment and going ahead with the post.

I can't imagine breaking up on television. When I think back to the myriad of breakups over my many years of dating, I shudder to think of a camera rolling during or after any of them. However, it's very, very interesting to be a fly on the wall of someone else's breakup.

Having read Love and Respect and Intimate Allies (both Christian marriage books), I saw some familiar themes reflected on the TV show. Jake was asking (or, demanding, frankly) to be respected and Vienna was begging for love.

The entire show pretty much went like this,"You don't respect me."

"How can I respect you when you don't love me?"

"How can I love you if you don't respect me?"

And back and forth and back and forth.

When I first read Love and Respect about five years ago, I didn't really think it was a good book. It seemed formulaic to me (My biggest pet peeve with most Christian books is an easy how-to list promoting one way of doing something and that following said list guarantees a certain outcome.) complete with a labeled how-to diagram. But I think the authors are onto something. While I think our degrees of need for these two things vary from partnership to partnership, there really is something unique about a man's need for respect and a woman's need for love. And there's definitely something to the way we spiral out of control when we are not extending love and respect to one another.

I also saw some serious anger and control issues. And, sadly, I can relate. I have been really struggling with my desire to control Garett. In theory and even in reality, on a good day, I delight in him as he is, including all of the ways that he is different than me. But often I spend an inordinate amount of time wishing he was more like me. This desire eeks out in the form of anger, impatience and disinterest and I'm ashamed to admit it. I interrupt him far more often than a good listener would. I say things like, "What's wrong with you?" when he doesn't turn the right page while we're reading with Wyatt. (This actually happened and I have no idea where it came from, but it was horrible.) I choose to read lame websites rather than talk with him at the end of the day.

Somehow seeing this broken relationship on television woke me up to my brokenness in a new way. It's embarrassing that I could see parts of myself in this needy, nagging woman. It's even more embarrassing that I could see myself in the smug, detached man as well. I suppose it's called reality television for a reason. It's easy to call these folks absurd and extreme and snicker at their inability to love well. It's more difficult to admit that the patterns reflected in their conflict are not so far fetched. On Monday night, after I got over the mockery, my heart softened and was inspired to invite God into some of these areas to shine some light.