My brother Josh asked me why I haven't been blogging so much lately and I had to stop and think about it for a moment. The past several months of life have created a disequilibrium of sorts and it has led me to write less on this blog. Descriptive words have not flowed during this time of uncertainty.
However, something in this season calls me to put a pen to paper, so to speak. The churning in my gut, the swimming in my mind, the aching in my heart, it is more than I can bear, so I reluctantly type, wondering if I can even begin to paint of picture of the journey we are on.
I feel the need to start with what I know to be true. Seasons of challenge seem to clarify what is real and clinging to those gifts brings life. God is present. God loves, cares, knows, redeems. We are designed with unique hopes and dreams and when things turn out different, what we do with that difference has the potential to bring some kind of beauty, even when unseen. Life is damn complicated. God is present.
Perhaps nothing more needs to be said.
God has been taking me on a journey. I went through a six-month, consuming job application process that ended up with me being the second choice for the job. Disappointment. Big time.
Garett's job has been more intense than usual and I waver between being the supportive partner I desire to be and the nagging wife I can't stand. The bottom line is that I miss my teammate when he's around the house less while I am also deeply grateful that he has meaningful work that brings him joy.
Garett and I started learning more about what adoption might look like for our family in January. We've read, filled out paperwork, taken classes, prayed, been interviewed, filled out more paperwork, discussed our sex life with a social worker, been fingerprinted, and been interviewed some more.
The best way I can describe our process is to say that we keep talking and every single discussion brings forth something new. We are blessed with an honest relationship and each meaningful conversation allows us to be even more honest than the one before. As we've peeled back the layers of our souls, God has graciously revealed our hopes.
The difficult thing is that those hopes are not the same. The beautiful thing is that we are clear in our togetherness in spite of this difference. We are also clear on God's direction - to take a pause to seek a path together - a new vision, if you will.
And so we wait and pray and trust. In my desire for a quick answer, I feel a nudging to simply be. I hope to appreciate what is instead of what isn't. I'm looking forward to a new semester at Cuesta teaching a Marketing class and using a different part of my brain. I have never felt more connected to Garett and can't believe we get to do life together. Wyatt's version of four and a half is more delightful than not. God is present.