On the Bluff

We spent a few nights in Big Sur at the Kirk Creek campground last weekend with friends Kim and Jason from Alameda and it was a lovely time. The weather cooperated perfectly being t-shirt and shorts weather by about 9am. Our camp site was nestled out on a bluff so we could sit at our picnic table and check out the glassy ocean.

My favorite thing was when we drove a few miles south but north of Sand Dollar beach and parked just off Highway 1. There are these little stairways between barbed wire fences that called out to us to explore beyond. We walked over one of them and hiked around looking for a private beach cove with a corresponding way to get down to it. All we could find were steep cliffs and it was looking bleak when the boys found a narrow, rocky, somewhat steep path down to a completely private cove with a sandy beach. We made it down just fine and the boys fished in the surf for perch. They caught the biggest perch I've ever seen and Wyatt got to reel a few in. Kim and I got to hang out and chase around Wyatt in a attempt to not let him get swept away by the tide. The sky lit up as we made our way back to the car. I'm writing this much detail because sadly I didn't bring a camera with me on this adventure. The experience is memorialized in my mind and spirit and I can't wait to find another spot like this the next time we head north.

When we get back from a camping trip, I find myself immediately getting online to make another reservation. I'm thankful that Garett is teaching me the art of the camp and look forward to our next trip.

Battling

This morning over breakfast, Wyatt and I got in a conversation about the car accident I got in over a year ago. He asks me about it often because he likes to hear the details. Today, however, his questions took a twist.

"Mommy, where is that car that hit you?"

I answered and he proceeded to tell me about how he wants to battle the car. He wants to find the car and use his gigantic excavator and turn on the levers and dig a humongous hole and dump the car into it so it will be eaten by gophers and broken forever.

"Why do you need to battle the car, Wyatt?"

"I need to protect you, Mommy. I will save you."

While I do not consider myself to be a woman who requires extra protection, this warmed my heart.

Camping on the Boat

We spent last night at Lopez Lake and all three of us slept in the tiny cuddy cabin on our boat. We are those crazy parents who have never had their child in their bed to sleep so it was a first. Lopez has a spot at the back end of the lake that is only accessible by boat or hike. We were picturing a dock and a flat area with a fire pit and picnic table. Instead it was a dock with a steep hill behind it with a one-person path cutting across the hill upward about 100 yards to a hidden campsite. Arriving as the sun set, we hurried to reach the dock and used our flashlights to explore our way to the site. Ruby was our protector even though she probably gets the most spooked between the four of us.

Because we hadn't really packed for a climb to the site, we hunkered down at the boat dock and got cozy for the night. We were planning to sleep in the boat but Garett and I were envisioning kicking back by the fire while Wyatt fell asleep in the cuddy. No such luck.

It was peaceful in its own way with the frogs croaking and the cormorants squawking back and forth. We made s'mores by the one-burner stove (Why in the world did I give Wyatt so much sugar before bed?) and curled up together at about 7:30.

Poor Garett was stuck in the middle because it was the only spot where his feet could hang out of the cabin. I was surprised that Wyatt slept as much as he did but it was still overall a rough night. Watching the stars fade away and the sun come up made it more worthwhile and we were home by 9 this morning.

My soul is at rest when I'm on the water. There is no feeling like the breeze in my hair, the sun or moon reflecting on the water and a freedom that bears down to the depths of my being. I'm thankful that Garett is up for all the work required to make it happen. Thanks, God, for a much needed adventure.

I need you to learn

Wyatt has starting shouting a lot more than he used to. Sometimes it's because there is a strong desire for something in particular and other times it's because he wants to make sure I hear him. I think sometimes it's just sheer enthusiasm for the topic of conversation. Yesterday we were driving home and he began shouting, "Mommy, three yellow forklifts!" over and over and over. I acknowledged him the first time and second and third and so on. Finally he stopped and I asked him why he was shouting at me. "I need you to learn," he emphatically told me. It's hard to not draw a comparison to my strong desire to make a point. I may not yell but that same desire exists at times. I'm noticing the pride in my heart more and more these days.

It's been a tough week for my family. We received difficult news from my mom's doctor and, while it's not an official diagnosis, it does not look good. We are all soaking it in differently and I am feeling perpetually sad. I've left a few sobbing messages for friends because I really can't keep it together. When I think of Wyatt and his precious relationship with his "Gwumma" my heart aches. We are asking to experience God's healing presence every moment of every day. Thanks for praying with us.

Dependence and Interdependence

I spent another couple of days in San Diego earlier this week meeting with Sheryl for spiritual direction. My head and heart are still spinning as I try to make sense of our time together. I began this journey with the intention of learning how to grieve losses in life but it turns out there are many factors, spiritual and emotional, that inhibit my willingness and ability to grieve. To peel back those layers takes time, energy, honesty and a big dose of courage. I lack those often but Sheryl helps create gracious space where God gives me just what I need to face up to realities in my heart and mind.

Underneath my deep commitment to keeping a smile on my face is a raging river of independence otherwise known as pride. River of independence sounds much more attractive but there is nothing lovely about about a spirit of highness, thinking I know what is and isn't and perhaps even thinking I can do God's job. Whatever you call it, it's the part of me that actually believes that I can do it on my own. "It" changes depending on the day but it's the extreme opposite of dependence and interdependence the two ways God calls me to be in this world in relation to him and others.

I'm thinking about dependence and interdependence in a new way this week. Matthew 26 offers an interesting look at Jesus' dependence on the Father and interdependence with Peter and company. Jesus shared his sorrow with Peter and prayed three times to God also sharing his sorrow and making a request. Jesus' example speaks to me, as I tend to retreat spiritually and relationally when life is difficult. I keep waiting to be on the other side of all this but perhaps that's not the goal.

Jesus, Santa and Many, Many Presents

It's interesting to describe Christmas to a two year old. We tried to keep it real and say that we're celebrating Jesus' birthday but it's kind of confusing because Wyatt's not used to getting presents on someone else's birthday. I'm struck by the generosity of our families and I'm pretty sure he will not need a thing for at least a year.

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with my family in Turlock and then spent a week in San Francisco with my folks and brother. It's always difficult for me to leave the city. When parents of young children talk about how crazy it would be to live in the city, I always feel like I'm the only one in the room thinking about how great it would be. When we're in San Francisco, Wyatt soaks in the sights, smells, sounds and tastes. I can see his world expand and that brings joy to my heart.

You know how I like bullet points so here are the highlights:

- Bay Area Discovery Center (This is the coolest spot for toddlers.)

- Pagolac (My favorite Vietnamese restaurant.)

- Long walks

- SF Zoo

- Ferry to Sausalito

- Heath Ceramics (Thankfully, my mom registered for these beautiful ceramic creations for her wedding 35 years ago and (if she doesn't figure out how to sell it on ebay) I may get to use them someday.)

- Watching Somewhere (I loved it and Garett didn't.)

- Wyatt's 3.5 hours naps

- City Church with Josh

- Delfina Pizzaria

- Chinatown and dim sum costing $4.50 for two

- Champagne and homemade pomegranate liqueur

- Seeing good friends and their work in Oakland

- Playing Angry Birds

Bossypants

Wyatt is now in the bossy stage. He shares his opinions on anything and everything and loves to tell us what to do. For example, today he told us to go fast through all stop signs and red lights on our way to the market. Over the holiday, my mom brilliantly reframed this frustrating stage as "leadership in the rough". I'm going to hang on to that and look forward to a less rough state for my boy.

Cuesta Preschool

Wyatt's teacher, Cindy, takes a lot of pictures of the kids throughout the day. She gave them to me this week and I was delighted to get a peek into all the fun he's been having.

These shots don't even include the day an enormous snake was brought into his classroom or the time he held a tiny white mouse. They also don't include field trips to various departments around campus like biology, physical education and theatre. They also don't capture the way he looks forward to going to school and said, "I love you, Cindy," to his teacher when he went to the bathroom on the potty for the first time at school.

I can't really put into words how thankful we are for his preschool experience this year. His teachers are consistently outstanding and they seem to find ways to make it easier to be a parent of a toddler. I had no idea that was even possible. Next semester I'll be teaching three classes and Wyatt will be graduating to three mornings a week. We can't wait!

November

I took a Thai cooking class with a friend and learned how to make spring rolls and panang curry. I also made a few new friends.

Wyatt and I spent a long weekend in Portland while Garett went to Puerto Rico for work. It was another memorable weekend with good friends. Rebekah already covered the highlights here so I'll just add a few more:

- The bounce house in the garage where the kids must have spent at least 10 hours jumping.

- Leisurely shopping in Anthropologie and finding the perfect things for my niece. (Thank you, Ben, for being with the kids!)

- Amazing Rebekah-made meals and treats. (I do not know how she is able to make food with heavy whipping cream so frequently and stay so slim but kudos to my friend and her enviable metabolism.)

- Church at The Pearl with Suzy and Lukas followed by dim sum.

- Watching the late night Nevada football game on my phone in bed and almost waking up Wyatt with my cheers at the end of the game.

Wyatt and his classmates prepared lunch for their families and I got to spend a little time at Wyatt's preschool. He's in a big dress-up phase right now and wore this hat nearly the entire time I was there. Have I mentioned how much we love his preschool? Last week on a rainy day they put on rain coats and boots and scoured the campus for puddles to jump in. The week before they built a huge mobile for their class that involved pouring concrete into buckets, drilling holes into wood and a lot of painting. When I pick him up, he's in different clothes 90% of the time and his hair is often multi-colored because of the wonderfully messy time he's had all morning. I could not ask for more.

We painted pictures for our family for Thanksgiving and Wyatt experimented with watercolors.

A lot of cuddling takes place in our house. Wyatt now requests "family cuddle."

We spent Thanksgiving in Visalia with Garett's family and it was wonderful. I am so thankful for our relationships and especially the bond between Wyatt and his cousins Olivia and JT.

And, even though you can't tell from the above list, we've also had some tough things over the course of the month. They aren't usually the moments when I whip out my camera but they nonetheless are part of life.

My health is still a daily struggle and we're prayerfully considering various options to deal with it. I've struggled emotionally in addition to the physical battle and, at times, am too overwhelmed to engage much in life.

We continue learning how to parent a two year old boy mostly with trial and error (though I am trying not to emphasize the error) and a lot of prayer. Garett and my teamwork seems to wax and wane and Garett mentioned the other day that we are more regularly forgetting that we are, indeed, on the same team. Oh yes, same team.

As we focus on survival, loving well is more challenging than usual and, by the grace of God, we discover new opportunities to be stretched. How do I feel about these "opportunities"? On a good day, I lean into them and am moved deeply by God's love. Other days I run, feel cold, ignore and am angry. The pendulum swings back and forth and so goes life these days.

I am hopeful that this Advent season will bring a decreased focus on myself and my circumstances and an increased desire for our God who sustains, loves and redeems.

Wyatt wore his Halloween costume nearly all week. The highlight was probably Friday. We got to see the garbage guys and go to Avila Barn with Wyatt's preschool class. He also liked the trick-or-treating but mostly due to the candy. The garbage can was a perfect "bucket" because once the candy was dropped in, he couldn't reach it. I don't think Garett planned it that way but it made the evening a lot easier.

These are few veggies I picked last night. They are all really small but still tasty and we continue to enjoy the garden. We're getting ready for a winter plant. Any ideas?

Preview

You cannot believe how much joy this costume brings to Wyatt. Garett may or may not have spent five days building this garbage can which is a replica of ours. He assures me that it will be a toy for years and years to come.

Fro Yo

Wyatt loves frozen yogurt and Pinkberry is the best.

A Rough Week

"Mommy, you're my best friend."

These sweet words from my two year old boy could not have come at a better moment.

I've been feeling pretty crappy the past week and a half. I think it's a combination of a nasty cold and a minor Behcets flare. Whatever it is, I've bailed out of more things than I can list and I struggle to get over the feeling that I'm a flake. There is a battle going on in my mind in addition to the one going on in my body. The battle is between believing what is true about who I am and feeling like what I do or don't do or what others think about me defines me. I lose this battle often and wind up feeling even worse.

On top of these deep issues of identity, I also feel bad about the kind of parent I am on these days. Today, for example, Wyatt and I did not leave the house. We watched gobs of PBS and a Curious George movie and only ventured outside to say hello to Fidel as he dumped our can into the garbage truck. We had smoothies for lunch and I let him hang out in his bed after nap for at least 30 minutes while I tried to peel myself out of my bed.

I don't want to feel guilty but still do. I want to be a mom taking my son on adventures, enjoying the beautiful day at the beach or climbing up a hill. I want to be doing fun projects together or even just eating ripe strawberries from our backyard. I want to not have the television on nearly all day and I hate the fight I know tomorrow will be as a result of Wyatt getting to watch so much today. I hate saying no to friends who want to get together because I can't imagine having a conversation and being a parent at the same time. And my house sorely needs a good, deep clean but I don't know when that will happen.

Tonight Garett stood over the mess of dishes in the sink and said, "I'm looking forward to you feeling better." What I heard was, "It's a disaster around here and we all pay a price when you're sick." Garett's not the kind of husband who needs a honey-do list in order to get things done around the house. He's the primary toilet cleaner, trash taker-outer and vacuumer so I don't think he's complaining when he says that. He's just acknowledging that it's hard on all of us when I'm sick and I couldn't agree more.

When Wyatt said, "Mommy, you're my best friend," tonight, my heart swelled and I tried to not assume he said that just because he got to watch TV all day.